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Thursday, May 16, 2013

Do I owe you an apology?

I don't feel like a part of the fatshion/fat acceptance blogging community. At one time, I did, but that has been fading as I post less and less, and read blogs less frequently. I can't keep up with blogs I know and love, let alone keep track of all the new fashionable fat people sharing their wardrobes and lives online. I think I might feel less engaged in online communities because I feel more engaged in 'in-person' communities. At the very least, I notice the two to be connected  And the more I'm away from the blogging world, the harder I find it to express my passion and personality and life via text and photographs. Perhaps I feel enough of a sense of community and validation in my offline world that I no longer need to seek it online, but I still long to feel like a part of the fat acceptance world again.

I deleted my tumblr this past fall. I utilized it as a way of broadcasting my mental illness in what felt like self-destructive ways, and it was making this sense of isolation I felt from what should be my communities all the more obvious. I remade it, and used it for a few more months while posting less and following significantly fewer people, but the same problems still arose. I finally deleted it again a few months ago, and haven't read anyone's tumblr since then. Which is a shame, because there a lot of really cool people who only use tumblr, but I have so many frustrations with it that it's just easier to avoid it all together.

That being said, I don't want to put an end to this blog or say goodbye to the fatshion blogosphere altogether. It has been an important part of my life for many years, and I still love having a place where I can share my outfits, art, photos, thoughts, or anything else, even if I don't often do that.

So, do I owe you an apology? I doubt that very many folks are regular readers, considering how slow it has been over the last year. But I know that some of you do still read my blog, and I really appreciate the kind and compassionate comments I've received on my last two posts regarding mental health.

How many times do I try to start anew? Once more, perhaps? A hundred times more?

Hello again, I'm Sonia. When I started this blog, I was a fat, crazy seventeen year-old girl starting my final year of high school. Now, I'm a fat, crazy queer femme girl in my third year of university (though not likely to graduate soon). I moved to a city where I knew no one, and fell into a group of really amazing friends. I'm not the most hard-working student, and my mental health hinders me a lot, but I've grown and learned a lot as an artist and my skills are constantly improving. I've started doing spoken word and going to poetry slams. Art openings still make me anxious, but I'm less likely to leave crying within the first five minutes. I love the sense of community I've found here. I seem to have fallen in love with this small Prairie city, and don't even get me started on the big sky. Sometimes my life is boring and monotonous. Sometimes it is so wonderful I am overwhelmed with love and appreciation and awe. Sometimes I am depressed and anxious, feel disengaged or detached with myself and my surroundings. Sometimes I don't quite understand how I've survived so far or how I will continue to do it. But there is a lot about my life I enjoy, and I want to share that with you through this blog. 

I hope some of you will want to be a part of that.


  1. I've been reading for several years - don't stop! We need you.

  2. No apology necessary! I'm subscribed to your blog and am glad to see an update when there is one. I sent you an email awhile back but it may have been an old email so I'll post it here:

    I don't know if you still use this email, I couldn't find a contact email on your site so I thought I'd give this one a go. I live in Vancouver and follow your blog, and I just wanted to send you some words of support. I am also battling depression and know how shitty it feels to be pulled under. I'd liken it to a recovering alcoholic, I'm a recovering depressed person and need to do things to maintain good mental health. It can be a really frustrating experience. You just want to be better! Ugh, I just wanna be better.

    I wanted to say kudos for seeking out some help. Sorry to hear that Regina's resources aren't very good. Here in Vancouver, they are fairly accessible. I just started seeing a counsellor again and am so thankful for that. I think that's a huge step in the right direction. Keeping fighting. You will find something that works for you, whether that is a certain medication, talk therapy, exercise (not weight loss!), affirmations, self care, any combination of these or any other thing that benefits you. Something WILL work for you. And something will work to keep you afloat when you are afloat.

    I wish you the best. You are super duper awesome sauce, I enjoy your blog, I enjoy your style, and I appreciate you talking about what you're going through. Take care! <3

  3. <3 <3 <3 We all go through this from time to time, atleast I know I have. Keep on keeping on and just do what makes you happy, you don't owe anyone anything.

  4. Another subscriber and supporter here. Much love to you, Sonia!

  5. I've been following your blog for a long time and you not only have introduced me to some amazing music (The Butchies) and some amazing spoken word (Lauren Zuniga—thank you for posting "Submissive", it seriously made my whole week to discover her, thanks to you) but I love your style. It's so important to me to read not only fat acceptance/fatshion blogs, but also to follow fellow queers. That last part means a lot to me, and I want to tell you that you've impacted me through your blog.

    So, just wanted to speak out because I know that many people must feel the same way but don't have the time/drive to tell you. I'll always be happy to follow your blog even if you're not posting very often.

    (Hopefully this doesn't publish twice, didn't show up the first time I hit Publish.)